Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
