i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
people are starting to question the shark bite story
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
