woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
