my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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