if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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