if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize