Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
