I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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