The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
