Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
