Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
