The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
