Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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