If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
