i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
