I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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