when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
