and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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