Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
