My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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