i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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