hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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