At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
