This is not my ceiling
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
