so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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