He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You work out of a Hotel?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
