I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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