I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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