I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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