Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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