u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This baby is an asshole
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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