how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
