They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
