He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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