i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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