Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
