when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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