He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
