I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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