I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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