went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
