I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
