Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
