I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
