i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
