even my farts smell like vagina
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
