How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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