She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
