just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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