I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
