'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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