My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
