There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
