I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
