As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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