sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
