Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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