Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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