i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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