I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
