I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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