I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
