I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
