How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
