You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
