im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
